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Assignment: 03.07 Revising the Narrative Essay

Choose one passage (200-250 words) of your narrative essay to rewrite, adding descriptive language and sensory details wherever possible.
Highlight your revisions. Submissions without highlighting will be returned for revisions. (bold text are the revisions)(bolt text w/t – around it are removed in revised version)

ORIGINAL

The near the end of my second encounter with Fortunato the sky began to darken. I made haste to end our discussion. “Fortunato, the sky is *evolving into a monster by the second so we cannot talk for much longer. I believe it’s only* proper if we compare our research another time so *-that-* the voyage may be more successful.” When I finally break my worried gaze from the sky I see that Fortunato *was currently occupied with watching a brawl about to happen down the street. I became slightly agitated. “Fortunato!”* *-I said a little bit too snappy,-* *”did you hear me? Finally, his eyes reverted back to me. *-“I am sorry as you might have notice my mind was somewhere else. It was terribly rude of me. Now what did you say?”-* I pointed to the sky. *”It is about to start showering rain in a few minutes so we must meet another time -to compare notes-.”* Fortunato took a quick glance at the sky turning as grey as ash, then in a slightly embarrassed voice “How foolish of me. *I hadn’t -even- noticed -it. That is quite an excellent idea though-.* Where and when shall we meet?” *”We shall meet two blocks from here at the library. Meet me in the front at seven a.m. so we don’t spend all day.”* *When I said the* time, Fortunato gave me an odd look. “Is there a problem?” I asked “A slight one I don’t usually wake until eight and to meet at seven *calls for me to wake up at six. Is there any way we can meet at nine*?” I gave a silent sigh of annoyance. “*-Let us compromise.- We will meet at eight a.m.”* *As -soon as- the last word parted my lips, millions of raindrops turning into millions of wet bullets pelting our skin.* I start into a fast jog toward the Inn I was staying at. I turned toward Fortunato and shouted “EIGHT A.M. AND NO LATER! GOOD DAY SIR!”

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REVISION:

The near the end of my second encounter with Fortunato, the sky began to darken. I made haste to end our discussion. “Fortunato, the sky is *turning into an unkind beast, waiting to strike its prey with every thundering roar. We cannot talk much long. We need to plan our discussion for a more successful voyage for another time so the brewing beast in the sky doesn’t take its wrath out in us.*” When I finally break my worried gaze from the sky I see Fortunato *pre-occupied with a brawl down the street. Slightly agitated I snapped “Fortunato! Did you hear me?”* Finally, his eyes reverted back to me. I pointed to the sky. *”It is about to start showering rain in a few minutes so we must meet another time.”* Fortunato took a quick glance at the sky turning as grey as ash, then in a slightly embarrassed voice “How foolish of me*. I hadn’t noticed. Where and when shall we meet?” “We shall meet two blocks from here at the front of library at seven a.m.” Fortunato gave me an odd look.* “Is there a problem?” I asked “A slight one I don’t usually wake until eight and to meet at seven *means to wake up at six. Can we possibly meet at nine?*” I gave a silent sigh of annoyance. “*We will meet at eight a.m.” As the last word parted my lips, millions of raindrops turned into wet bullets pelting our skin.* I start into a fast jog toward the Inn I was staying at. I turned toward Fortunato and shouted “EIGHT A.M. AND NO LATER! GOOD DAY SIR!”

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